Blah blog blag.

Is my dad and Aja the only ones who read or comment on my blog? God that's pathetic. Also, I almost wrote blag. Freudian.

Guilt Pangs

Argh, my grad class professor makes me want to throw up. And I don't mean that she's a scary, horrible person. I just mean that she scares me because I want to do so well, and I want to leave a good impression but I don't think I do. Especially not in the email exchanges we've had so far. When I get an email back from her my stomach tightens and my throat closes up. I feel like a 6th grader again, not knowing my homework assignment, and I'm in grad school. This is the time when I'm supposed to be responsible and adult like, and I'm failing miserably at it. I know I want to go to grad school and I know I can do all this, so why am I doing so badly? Partially I think it is the timing, just having started this new job and also this class might not have been the wisest idea. I thought I was prepared for both the courseload and my work schedule, and they do seem to match pretty well, but I just haven't been able to knuckle down and do the work when I'm supposed to, or I always forget something is due or I think I'll have time for it and don't. It's depressing because I know it's all my fault, but I still can't seem to get it together. I don't want her questioning my abilities or my dedication. I hate that sort of thing. But I'm still scared of her emails, expecting one of them to say, "Meredyth, if you can't do the work required for this class then maybe you shouldn't be in it." Oh god. And I know the other students are probably doing the exact same things I am and that she doesn't hate or think less of any of us, it's just how it sounds in the emails. Last class I did great, she loved me, and the other students seemed just as much in the gray areas I did, but I can't get the feeling out of my head that she's going to think I'm a terrible student who expects her to drop everything and help me out of a quagmire. I feel like a whipped puppy but I'm doing all to myself.

C.R.E.A.M

This blog is supposed to be about work ostensibly, or my every day life. I'd like to do some creative writing, that's the sort of thing I really want to do, not just blog about my day. But I am very busy working out how to be a grown up, and so I haven't had time for daydreaming stories. Siigh. Being a grown up is very complicated, what with the bills, and the automatic bill payments, and the interest, and the APRs, and the loans you can, and can't, qualify for, and the things that keep costing money without me knowing how, or why, exactly. I've spent the day trying to wrap my head around how a budget works, and if I could stay within one. My mom is a very bad money manager, and my father too. I don't like how they manage things but I find myself falling into the same traps, which then become a rabbit hole. I don't want to take that pill, thank you. I just want to dig myself out. I've been thinking about the need for a car and the need for a car loan and insurance for that car. I think I can afford one, but I also need to pay my mom back for things, and also pay off my credit card debit, and also my grad class. Hm. How can I do this all and stop worrying about money, and whether or not I'll have some at the end of the month? It always seems to go this way. As soon as I found the Job and they told me how much I'd be making in a year my heart did a dance. I'd be free from the worry! It was more than I was ever used to making in a month. I could buy things! But then the reality of due dates and collectors set in. And taxes, let's not forget about taxes. Ohhh. Brrr. That's a cold shower. It's very unpleasant to come down off the cloud of cash and to find out things aren't as simple as it seems from so far up. I think I'll be okay, not like the other post about this I had, but more optimistic. I'm not as broke as I thought and my debts really are manageable, but just having to do these things as opposed to the things I'd like to be doing, and along with all the other non-financial things I need to do and usually forget about, is annoying. Even though getting them accomplished makes me feel super productive, it's still not fun.

'Round and 'round it goes...

I'm at work, and using the computer. It's a pretty big deal. It almost makes me as happy as when I got my ID card and didn't have to be escorted through the building everyday. Finally I have internet access again! A million possibilities have opened up! And of course I only go to the same old websites I always have. Siigh. I really should discover some new ones. But I have all the time in the world now, because it's pretty slow around here. I don't mind it though, it's exactly the kind of easy, but still carrying some responsibility, job I was looking for, that would allow me time to do my own thing when I wanted. I like it alright.

There is a long hallway by the windows, on the way to the bathroom. There's no offices or anything nearby it and I strut the hell out of that hallway, striding like I'm Tyra's next little top model. Or Christy Turlington, who already is a Top Model, and ridiculously smart and good looking, two very admirable things.

I get time to study for my GREs, which is a good thing, because they're coming up fast and I wouldn't have studied at all if I didn't have this free time. I take the Literature GRE on Oct. 6th. I'm a little nervous about them because there are a lot of books I have read, but also a lot I haven't, and it makes no sense to try and read all of them on the off chance you'll come across them, but it's also pretty hard to know, from the passages they give you, what book it is. I've been reading the classics lately and I think that should help. Then, on Oct. 27th I get to test my math skills, something I haven't attempted since junior year of high school. The book I'm using makes it so much easier than I remember from school, but at the same time cramming all this stuff in is hard!

My days are so full lately, it doesn't help that my commute is about three hours roundtrip. I'm exhausted by the time I get home. I don't mind taking public transportation at all, that's not the problem. The problem is that I take a lot of public transportation and it takes up a lot of time. I'm thinking about buying a car, not to drive everyday, but to drive some days, like, to my evening class at Mason (I'll save those complaints for another post, I'm already getting annoyed with myself.) And that's a big responsibility, one I've never really attempted before. But I'm anxious to prove to myself I'm an adult who can handle the responsibility. And maybe move out too, that way I'd be closer to work and not killing myself trying to get here, but that leaves a lot of other issues that I'm not sure I'm capable of tackling right now. Here comes another big sigh.

Dear Skulkers,

Sorry I haven't been around much. I started a new job and it takes a while to be allowed to use the computer. I have to have a special card and I should have that by Monday or Tuesday so I'll update lots then, because I have a lot of free time. Besides that everything is fine. Lots of love, and see you soon. -Meredyth

Poor Little Rich Girl

Hello, I hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend. I'm still pretty sleepy. Not that I did anything, I just hate waking up to go back to work. Although, I was told that I passed the initial clearance and can move on to my real job soon. Thankfully. It's been pretty boring here, not doing anything. I've been falling asleep while trying to read for class. We haven't really been doing much at my house all week because we're all just waiting for our paychecks to come in. We're holding on and holding out, but it's going to be a close one. Somehow it reminds me of the W.B. Yeats poem, The Second Coming and the line, "Things fall apart; the center cannot hold." As though we were spinning planets in orbit around the house, but the center of gravity, what holds our lives to each other is slowly separating. It has been happening for awhile, just like a dying star, the falling apart of a family takes awhile. You can watch it implode, slowly, a ripple and shudder as the earth moves beneath your feet. And then, you start to notice that things aren't in their right place anymore, something familiar is alien, a feeling you never noticed before, a sense of panic, is there, just under the surface of things. You can feel it when you breathe in.
We've never been broke before, not like this. I've been broke, my sister's been broke, my mom's been worrying about money and it always seems to be slipping through her fingers; but we've never been broke collectively. The kind of broke where we don't go grocery shopping until Wednesday, where I squeeze $25 to make it last all weekend and come up with unusual ways to use what's in the refridgerator, how to get by without eggs. Julia borrows a textbook from a friend.

It's not so bad today, and I know it's not as bad as over half the population. One of the reasons why we're broke is because Mom and Dad paid for my grad class until I get paid, not everyone has that luxury. But, even when I was a kid and we couldn't do something we'd been promised because we couldn't afford it, or when Mom's credit card didn't work at the mall, it never felt quite like this. Not only is half of our family gone now, but so is whatever comfortable life we had. It's not the same anymore, things fall apart.