Guilt Pangs

Argh, my grad class professor makes me want to throw up. And I don't mean that she's a scary, horrible person. I just mean that she scares me because I want to do so well, and I want to leave a good impression but I don't think I do. Especially not in the email exchanges we've had so far. When I get an email back from her my stomach tightens and my throat closes up. I feel like a 6th grader again, not knowing my homework assignment, and I'm in grad school. This is the time when I'm supposed to be responsible and adult like, and I'm failing miserably at it. I know I want to go to grad school and I know I can do all this, so why am I doing so badly? Partially I think it is the timing, just having started this new job and also this class might not have been the wisest idea. I thought I was prepared for both the courseload and my work schedule, and they do seem to match pretty well, but I just haven't been able to knuckle down and do the work when I'm supposed to, or I always forget something is due or I think I'll have time for it and don't. It's depressing because I know it's all my fault, but I still can't seem to get it together. I don't want her questioning my abilities or my dedication. I hate that sort of thing. But I'm still scared of her emails, expecting one of them to say, "Meredyth, if you can't do the work required for this class then maybe you shouldn't be in it." Oh god. And I know the other students are probably doing the exact same things I am and that she doesn't hate or think less of any of us, it's just how it sounds in the emails. Last class I did great, she loved me, and the other students seemed just as much in the gray areas I did, but I can't get the feeling out of my head that she's going to think I'm a terrible student who expects her to drop everything and help me out of a quagmire. I feel like a whipped puppy but I'm doing all to myself.