I'm at an odd crossroads in my life. I lament the fact that life isn't happening sooner, faster, now! I want my life to begin now! And I feel like I'm constantly waiting for a moment when it will begin. As though I'll know it when it arrives. And at the same time I'm trying to 'remember' things that happen now for when I'm older and wondering what I did when I was 23. What am I doing? Sitting in my room online, watching TV, wondering why I can't make friends in this city or where the money for going out with them will come from. I honestly feel like more of a loser in this city than I did before. Wow.
I thought when I moved to New York I'd really be doing something, doing something worthy of remembering when I'm 80. I don't know when those times will begin but if they do I'll be right here waiting for them.
Is it better to live in a very cool town without money and friends, for the sake of the coolness, or better to live in a cheap place for the sake of the friends and freedom from 'coolness'?
To be in a city or not to be. That is the question.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Saturday, April 07, 2007
3 A.M. Revolution
Most of you who know me in real life know that, while I grew up in the Washington D.C. area, I spent my formative years in Montreat, NC. These formative years were only from 8-10 but my family still holds the time we spent there dear. An Eden we were forced to leave because my dad was in the technology industry. And while Asheville maybe known for mountains it is not known for technology. My strongest memories of living in Montreat were of 'creek-hopping' and raspberry picking in the summer, finding fairy hiding spots, tramping through snowy woods, playing house in the old maid's quarters of our house- yeah, our house had a maid's quarters. We also had a room dedicated to dress-ups, which were old clothes the former tenants left. They had lived there for 40 years! We found their old love letters under the stairs. We knew all the kids in our neighborhood-which was basically the whole town- because we all rode the bus to school, went to the same church, and played together after school. Montreat was more like a residential community with a college than a town. There are no commercial buildings in it, unless the hotel counts. It's on the edge of another, actual town, Black Mountain, where this art school used to be.
Why do I bring these places up? Other than name-checking them to endear yourself to me, you probably couldn't care less. But last night, when I couldn't fall asleep I started having a 3 a.m. idea- you know, those revolutionary ideas you get when you're exhausted and on the edge of sleep that seem ridiculous and delusional the next morning. Well, this idea wouldn't let me sleep, to the extend that I did a little online research at 4:44 a.m. instead of sleeping. And after doing a little research I also began thinking about the fact that New York is old school hip. It's still just hanging on to the idea people have of what's cool. All that's left now is the bitter dredges. (And some cool people here and there.) But with the internet and other ways of communicating ideas the coolest places don't have to be New York or L.A. anymore. With the advent of the internet New York has lost its cool. So you want to know what was my grand idea and what does it have to do with these places? I'm so glad you asked!
Living in New York for the past four months has made me think about a lot of things, namely how I'm going to afford to live here, find a job, find friends, find a different apartment, what I'm going to do with my life. I really like New York but I feel like the experiment is drawing to a close. I don't think I'm quite prepared for New York yet, but that it was an amazing thing to have thrown myself into. If I had a job I loved here, and more people, I think I could love it for a long time. But I feel very lonely here. And broke. Those are not two things I like much.
My idea was about teaching, and specifically, teaching in a fairly cool, smaller town like Asheville. I checked out craigslist and for the price I'm paying now I could be living here. Wow. That's quite a compelling reason. But to be more practical here are a list of my other reasons to consider moving here for a year to teach before going to grad school.
1. It's cheaper.
2. UNC-Asheville is a good school where I could take grad classes
3. Good experience for future, and for grad school references.
4. I know a lot of people from my childhood in the area
5. Still a cool town for seeing shows, going out. Might even encourage me to go out more. I'm a little agorophobic.
6. Lots of nature, natural beauty
7. If I worked in a depressed area I could do some good.
8. I want to go to a good grad school, in a relatively cool area, I'd only be here for a year so it's not like the end of the world.
But, as with everything, I don't know my own mind. I mean, I do know my own mind, I'd like to rush down there right now and try to set up this fanciful life that has nothing to do with reality. I tend to run away from things when they're not going as I imagined. For those reasons I want to stay in New York, to face it, get used to it and get to better know some of the really cool people I've met here. But I worry that I won't have the money to do that, or the job. Come the end of May my internship at the production company will be ending and I don't know where I'll go next. I've sort of decided that if I have no viable job prospect by the end of June or no other pressing reason to stay I will move back to NoVa for a few months and then down to Asheville, if I can find a teaching job. Turns out you need things like licenses to do that these days!
And now we come to you, dear reader, please give me your opinion about all of this, whether moving to Asheville and teaching is a good career move or a stupid escapist fantasy that won't play out. Or if you have any information about finding a teaching job for a recent college grad. (Except TeachforAmerica. I missed the deadline on that, unfortunately.)
Feel free to leave your comments anynomously. Sometimes I don't listen to my friends and family's advice, even when I know it's coming from a good place. Thanks and Love, Meredyth
Why do I bring these places up? Other than name-checking them to endear yourself to me, you probably couldn't care less. But last night, when I couldn't fall asleep I started having a 3 a.m. idea- you know, those revolutionary ideas you get when you're exhausted and on the edge of sleep that seem ridiculous and delusional the next morning. Well, this idea wouldn't let me sleep, to the extend that I did a little online research at 4:44 a.m. instead of sleeping. And after doing a little research I also began thinking about the fact that New York is old school hip. It's still just hanging on to the idea people have of what's cool. All that's left now is the bitter dredges. (And some cool people here and there.) But with the internet and other ways of communicating ideas the coolest places don't have to be New York or L.A. anymore. With the advent of the internet New York has lost its cool. So you want to know what was my grand idea and what does it have to do with these places? I'm so glad you asked!
Living in New York for the past four months has made me think about a lot of things, namely how I'm going to afford to live here, find a job, find friends, find a different apartment, what I'm going to do with my life. I really like New York but I feel like the experiment is drawing to a close. I don't think I'm quite prepared for New York yet, but that it was an amazing thing to have thrown myself into. If I had a job I loved here, and more people, I think I could love it for a long time. But I feel very lonely here. And broke. Those are not two things I like much.
My idea was about teaching, and specifically, teaching in a fairly cool, smaller town like Asheville. I checked out craigslist and for the price I'm paying now I could be living here. Wow. That's quite a compelling reason. But to be more practical here are a list of my other reasons to consider moving here for a year to teach before going to grad school.
1. It's cheaper.
2. UNC-Asheville is a good school where I could take grad classes
3. Good experience for future, and for grad school references.
4. I know a lot of people from my childhood in the area
5. Still a cool town for seeing shows, going out. Might even encourage me to go out more. I'm a little agorophobic.
6. Lots of nature, natural beauty
7. If I worked in a depressed area I could do some good.
8. I want to go to a good grad school, in a relatively cool area, I'd only be here for a year so it's not like the end of the world.
But, as with everything, I don't know my own mind. I mean, I do know my own mind, I'd like to rush down there right now and try to set up this fanciful life that has nothing to do with reality. I tend to run away from things when they're not going as I imagined. For those reasons I want to stay in New York, to face it, get used to it and get to better know some of the really cool people I've met here. But I worry that I won't have the money to do that, or the job. Come the end of May my internship at the production company will be ending and I don't know where I'll go next. I've sort of decided that if I have no viable job prospect by the end of June or no other pressing reason to stay I will move back to NoVa for a few months and then down to Asheville, if I can find a teaching job. Turns out you need things like licenses to do that these days!
And now we come to you, dear reader, please give me your opinion about all of this, whether moving to Asheville and teaching is a good career move or a stupid escapist fantasy that won't play out. Or if you have any information about finding a teaching job for a recent college grad. (Except TeachforAmerica. I missed the deadline on that, unfortunately.)
Feel free to leave your comments anynomously. Sometimes I don't listen to my friends and family's advice, even when I know it's coming from a good place. Thanks and Love, Meredyth
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
My Moment of Non-Zen
Man. I always knew former U.N. ambassador John Bolton was a loyal Bushie but I had forgotten that to be a loyal Bushie means to run around spouting nonsense and bad democratic theory as though you couldn't hear just how dumb you sounded. maybe President Bush should promote John Bolton. He can be Head Runaround Ass Kisser.
I thought it was pretty amusing how he turned everything Jon Stewart said into an inversion and just kept doing going, even as he got buried deeper and deeper. That's one of the biggest problems with this administration. They don't know how to make a U-turn, reverse or even backpedal. All they can do is keep plowing forward. With any luck they'll keep at it for so long and so hard over the next 21 months that they'll just end up in China. They're the most loyal sons of bitches I know, except maybe the Nazis. And we all know how they turned out. That's right. They got to eat ice cream on top of a mountain of blonde girls holding puppies... I mean...they ended terrorism, of course. I mean, who doesn't want yes men? Especially when you've got a divided country to run?
Monday, April 02, 2007
Practically Perfect In Every Way
The girls in the NY Times article, that can be found by clicking on the above title, seem to have a lot of confidence about where they're going. They may be worrying about which top college they'll get into but they aren't worrying about whether or not they can succeed. I think that's pretty amazing, and also a little intimidating. Amazing because I'm proud that these girls are able to accomplish so much and still seem to be somewhat normal. Intimidating because they are about 7 years younger than me and are already able to discuss Kirkegaard with some intelligence. I haven't even read Kirkegaard yet! They're going to be the ones who get all the jobs around here.
But I'm not really worrying about my future here. I know, it's a first. I'm actually just wondering about my past. And the future of these girls. I wonder what would have happened to me if my parents had pushed me to the same level of achievement these girls are pushed to. Even though I wish my parents had encouraged me more in my path to college I don't think I would have understood the purpose or importance behind it. I would have just been pissed off, and probably would have tried a little harder to sneak out of the house. When I was 17 I wasn't thinking about college at all. Much less at 14. I knew college was somewhere I'd end up, but I was more focused on getting out of high school, and really starting life. My last month of school I had no idea where I was going to be in the fall, but I wasn't really interested. Instead I wandered around the hallways with dreams of Africa floating before me. And I got there. The next summer I spent two weeks in Kenya, after a long lay over of four days in London, all on my own. I might not have read Camus in my AP English class but I did read Sarte as a sophmore, purely because I was interested in it. I took AP European History because I enjoyed it, not because I knew I could pass the test and get college credit (that's what AP Government was for). The reason I bring this up is because I think it's important that we develop a love of learning on its own, not just learning by rote. I don't think the girls profiled in this article fall victim of that, but I think a great many high school students do.
I feel like one of those old people who talk about working hard for money so they could eat, not working hard for money so they could go shopping, but I do sort of worry about these over acheiving girls. I don't worry so much about when they have the freedom to party in college because I didn't do much of that myself. I worry about when they are like me and out of college, wondering where to go next, what to do with their lives. When suddenly you have no prescribed course of action. We're marrying later and later and having families at a later age and I don't want to change that. I think women having careers is important. But I also know that now that I'm faced with the challenge of making it on my own, away from college I'm a little scared. I wonder what it would be like to just have it all planned out, marry, have kids, raise them. I don't see that for me but I can see it's appeal. It's part of the reason why I'm interested in going back to grad school. Another form of structure. Another preparing for and postponing of the day when life must begin.
But I'm not really worrying about my future here. I know, it's a first. I'm actually just wondering about my past. And the future of these girls. I wonder what would have happened to me if my parents had pushed me to the same level of achievement these girls are pushed to. Even though I wish my parents had encouraged me more in my path to college I don't think I would have understood the purpose or importance behind it. I would have just been pissed off, and probably would have tried a little harder to sneak out of the house. When I was 17 I wasn't thinking about college at all. Much less at 14. I knew college was somewhere I'd end up, but I was more focused on getting out of high school, and really starting life. My last month of school I had no idea where I was going to be in the fall, but I wasn't really interested. Instead I wandered around the hallways with dreams of Africa floating before me. And I got there. The next summer I spent two weeks in Kenya, after a long lay over of four days in London, all on my own. I might not have read Camus in my AP English class but I did read Sarte as a sophmore, purely because I was interested in it. I took AP European History because I enjoyed it, not because I knew I could pass the test and get college credit (that's what AP Government was for). The reason I bring this up is because I think it's important that we develop a love of learning on its own, not just learning by rote. I don't think the girls profiled in this article fall victim of that, but I think a great many high school students do.
I feel like one of those old people who talk about working hard for money so they could eat, not working hard for money so they could go shopping, but I do sort of worry about these over acheiving girls. I don't worry so much about when they have the freedom to party in college because I didn't do much of that myself. I worry about when they are like me and out of college, wondering where to go next, what to do with their lives. When suddenly you have no prescribed course of action. We're marrying later and later and having families at a later age and I don't want to change that. I think women having careers is important. But I also know that now that I'm faced with the challenge of making it on my own, away from college I'm a little scared. I wonder what it would be like to just have it all planned out, marry, have kids, raise them. I don't see that for me but I can see it's appeal. It's part of the reason why I'm interested in going back to grad school. Another form of structure. Another preparing for and postponing of the day when life must begin.
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