Who am I? What is my purpose in life? What should I do with my life?
Big questions without real answers, I know. But they're questions that have been plaguing me lately. What should I do with my life? I ask this of myself constantly. And also, am I living in the right place? I moved to New York with the hope that I would be part of this exciting city and get to experience a different sort of life. Meet new and interesting people. Right now that seems a little bleak. I know it's because I'm still new here but it does throw into starck relief the kind of life I hope to have and if this is the path that will get me there.
I've also been wondering if television and film is something I want to continue pursuing. I think about going back to school constantly but I don't know if it is just my escape mechanism kicking in or what. See, everything that I attempt that seems hard or insurmountable I drop or run from. The only time I stuck it out was to finish my degree. I knew I could do it even if I was tired of it and ready to be done. Or I leave places when I feel bored and as though I'm stuck. I don't know if this is the best way to live life because it means I never give things the chance they deserve and I never stick things out. But I also tend to think that life is too short to be miserable in a job or place. So my delimma is always whether it is better to stick something out or get out of the mess. And right now that's my problem.
See, I convince myself that this career isn't the one for me, or this school or major or job. I convince myself that things will be better elsewhere. It's the 'Grass Is Greener' syndrome. I'm not that jealous of people per se, I'm just always looking for the next pot of gold in a way. I guess that's the American Dream but I want MY dream, not the American Dream. I can never figure out what would be the best route. I always second guess myself and I always change my mind.
Right now I'm trying to decide whether to try television for a while and then, depending on that, I'll decide about grad school. And that seems a reasonable enough solution. Especially considering that the television job I'm looking for isn't hiring until March through June. And I wouldn't even start applying to grad school until the Fall or Spring of next year. You would think that I could just sit back and relax and wait to see. But no. I constantly have to be weighing the options, considering my next move. I can't sit still.
I think part of this has to do with the fact that I don't yet have a place to live. I'm on the verge of desperation. I don't know where I'll go in about a week. If I get the internship that I was offered I guess I'll really have to find a place. If not I might have to go back to Reston for a little while and decide what to do then. I don't want to have to go back to Reston. I'd like to make a break and stay here and begin to settle in. If I do get the writer's assistant job I want it might take me to L.A., which I'd be fine with. I just need to know something. Usually I take it all in stride and have a sense of certainty that even up to the last minute something will work itself out. But when it means I might not have a place to live and my resources are dwindling it makes it a little harder to sit back and wait for something to fall in my lap. It's like my daydreams are getting caught up in ther real world and the world I thought I knew as real is slowly turning sour.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
2 days and no boss
It's Day 2 of my life without a boss. It's ridiculously nice to be in an office and have no supervisor. I know what I'm supposed to be doing and I do that without worrying that someone is micro managing me. Not that the people I work with do that, it's just a feeling I always get when I'm the new person and have someone to answer to directly. I get nervous that I'll slack off too much or not do something right. I guess it comes from often being in a job where I don't directly employ my strengths but am only here as a person who can do errands and answer the phone. I feel that if I were here because of my strengths then it would be different. Don't get me wrong, I like the people I'm working with and I can do the job well, I'm just tired though, of not doing things for which I have the talent. I think I'm a talented person and I'd like to be able to work in an environment where those talents are acknowledged and appreciated. But I feel like it might be a while in this industry before that happens.
Anyway, since I've got nothing better to do and my bosses are in Miami I've had the freedom to watch tv or movies all day long. And I've got a steady supply of TV shows and movies sent to my bosses for their consideration for all sorts of awards, like the Emmys and so on. The other night I watched a DVD of the new movie 'Little Children'. My boss loaned it to me when I said I was going to see it at the theatre. Today I watched 'It's Always Sunny In Philadephia', a pretty funny show and 'Conviction' not quite a spin off of 'Law & Order' but close. It was cancelled, unfortunately, because I thought the show was quite good. I also watched '30 Days' the TV show that was a spin off (but in a good way) of 'SuperSize Me'. It's Morgan Spurlock's TV show (that also got cancelled) about people living different lives for 30 days. The first episode is about him and his fiancee moving to Columbus, OH for a month and living on minimum wage. It was interesting because it felt familiar. I know what it's like to count my pennies and worry about how much I can spend on food. I'm not saying I've ever been in such a tight situation as they were in but I understand the desperation they probably felt at times. And I watched as they both had to get medical attention because of injuries or illnesses they got from the life style they had. And saw their hospital bills. As one man in the show said 'America doesn't have health insurance, it has sick insurance.' If you have a heart attack and go to a hospital you will be treated. But you won't be treated before the heart attack for preventive measures. I am astounded at our country's way of treating the poor and the sick. We would rather shell out huge amounts of money if you're about to die, but won't pay for small things that could prevent the sickness. It just seems like a backwards way of doing things. I want health care reform.
I also watched an episode about a Christian white man living for a month as a Muslim man in America and a conservative straight man living in San Francisco. They were really interesting and sometimes hard to watch but the kind of television I like. It's sort of like a grown up, actual reality tv version of MTV's Made, where kids become something they've always dreamed of through help and hard work. A change comes about in them that is amazing to see. And that's how it felt with these guys. To see the conservative Christian straight guy go from spouting Bible verses about sin to accepting that these people are a lot like him was powerful. I wish more people could have this oppurtunity. And I also wish that people could understand more about the Bible. I was listening to the Diane Reims show a few months back and she had a Biblical scholar on who was talking about his book. He had become a scholar of the Bible because he was a fundamentalist young man and wanted to know more about the origins of Christianity. It was quite ironic, I suppose, when he began to realize that the Bible was modified as it was transcribed by the early Christians. Things that were never part of Christ's teachings got changed around, according to the Christian who was writing it. I'm not saying the Bible is completely a fake or wrong. But I am saying that the Word of God can't be exactly recorded because of the fallibility of man. If it had descended from heaven and photocopied right then, then I would believe every iota it had I guess, but it wasn't. And i can't trust men that changed things in order to have the religion read the way they wanted it to. Somethings became more severe than they might have begun. I do believe in the heart of Jesus' saying and I do believe that the Bible has a great deal of good and that people should try to live life like Jesus because he was full of love and peace and unselfishness. But do I believe some aspects of it? I can't justify some of it with what I feel as a human to be true. That might just be the human flaw in me but I believe that if I live a life that is peaceful and loving towards everyone and accept the fact that I am not perfect and can never hope to be then I think that is what Christianity is all about. There are also some things about accepting Jesus as your savior. I guess I believe those, but I'm not sure how I feel about them yet. I'm not quite comfortable with that. That might be something I'm never comfortable with but I can't say I don't believe in God just because I don't know understand everything he means. I think that Christianity requires some suspension of belief. It is a strange and magical religion and I understand when people say they can't rationalize that. Neither can I. I'm still just figuring out. And I guess that makes me a Christian. But even that word makes me uncomfortable. Can I say I'm a Christian when I feel as though many of the people who also profess this are people I wouldn't want to associate with?
Anyway, since I've got nothing better to do and my bosses are in Miami I've had the freedom to watch tv or movies all day long. And I've got a steady supply of TV shows and movies sent to my bosses for their consideration for all sorts of awards, like the Emmys and so on. The other night I watched a DVD of the new movie 'Little Children'. My boss loaned it to me when I said I was going to see it at the theatre. Today I watched 'It's Always Sunny In Philadephia', a pretty funny show and 'Conviction' not quite a spin off of 'Law & Order' but close. It was cancelled, unfortunately, because I thought the show was quite good. I also watched '30 Days' the TV show that was a spin off (but in a good way) of 'SuperSize Me'. It's Morgan Spurlock's TV show (that also got cancelled) about people living different lives for 30 days. The first episode is about him and his fiancee moving to Columbus, OH for a month and living on minimum wage. It was interesting because it felt familiar. I know what it's like to count my pennies and worry about how much I can spend on food. I'm not saying I've ever been in such a tight situation as they were in but I understand the desperation they probably felt at times. And I watched as they both had to get medical attention because of injuries or illnesses they got from the life style they had. And saw their hospital bills. As one man in the show said 'America doesn't have health insurance, it has sick insurance.' If you have a heart attack and go to a hospital you will be treated. But you won't be treated before the heart attack for preventive measures. I am astounded at our country's way of treating the poor and the sick. We would rather shell out huge amounts of money if you're about to die, but won't pay for small things that could prevent the sickness. It just seems like a backwards way of doing things. I want health care reform.
I also watched an episode about a Christian white man living for a month as a Muslim man in America and a conservative straight man living in San Francisco. They were really interesting and sometimes hard to watch but the kind of television I like. It's sort of like a grown up, actual reality tv version of MTV's Made, where kids become something they've always dreamed of through help and hard work. A change comes about in them that is amazing to see. And that's how it felt with these guys. To see the conservative Christian straight guy go from spouting Bible verses about sin to accepting that these people are a lot like him was powerful. I wish more people could have this oppurtunity. And I also wish that people could understand more about the Bible. I was listening to the Diane Reims show a few months back and she had a Biblical scholar on who was talking about his book. He had become a scholar of the Bible because he was a fundamentalist young man and wanted to know more about the origins of Christianity. It was quite ironic, I suppose, when he began to realize that the Bible was modified as it was transcribed by the early Christians. Things that were never part of Christ's teachings got changed around, according to the Christian who was writing it. I'm not saying the Bible is completely a fake or wrong. But I am saying that the Word of God can't be exactly recorded because of the fallibility of man. If it had descended from heaven and photocopied right then, then I would believe every iota it had I guess, but it wasn't. And i can't trust men that changed things in order to have the religion read the way they wanted it to. Somethings became more severe than they might have begun. I do believe in the heart of Jesus' saying and I do believe that the Bible has a great deal of good and that people should try to live life like Jesus because he was full of love and peace and unselfishness. But do I believe some aspects of it? I can't justify some of it with what I feel as a human to be true. That might just be the human flaw in me but I believe that if I live a life that is peaceful and loving towards everyone and accept the fact that I am not perfect and can never hope to be then I think that is what Christianity is all about. There are also some things about accepting Jesus as your savior. I guess I believe those, but I'm not sure how I feel about them yet. I'm not quite comfortable with that. That might be something I'm never comfortable with but I can't say I don't believe in God just because I don't know understand everything he means. I think that Christianity requires some suspension of belief. It is a strange and magical religion and I understand when people say they can't rationalize that. Neither can I. I'm still just figuring out. And I guess that makes me a Christian. But even that word makes me uncomfortable. Can I say I'm a Christian when I feel as though many of the people who also profess this are people I wouldn't want to associate with?
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
The Fug at Work
Yesterday I commited a heinous error. I let the delivery guy go to the bathroom in...THE OFFICE! I know, I know. Crazy of me. And yeah, he did have neon yellow hair and looked like a clown. Why, oh why would I let such a person despoil our bathroom like that? He could be doing drugs in there! He could be stealing our top secret Prince costumes! Or spying on the Russian Arts Foundation!
At least, that's the attitude my boss' wife seemed to take. She works in the office too. She runs the Arts Foundation. She wanted to know who had let him in and who had let him use the bathroom and then she told me that the bathroom down the hall (that's locked!) is for them. How was I supposed to know? And I didn't buzz him in. That was all her Russian girls. She wanted me to walk him down the hall and make sure he didn't get into any mischef during the fifteen steps down the hall. I sort of made a face because I thought she was being overly ridiculous and because I was stuck behind some boxes and it would be awkward to get out. She asked if I had a problem with this. No, of course not. Why would I have a problem babysitting a delivery clown while he goes to the bathroom? It's not like he's never been in an office building before.
The thing is, it's hard to take your boss seriously when she's wearing brown cordoroy pants with pockets and zippers placed at random, a brown sweater that cuts her off at her stomach and brown boots. She looked like a skinny potato. Today she has on green pants with brown cuffs that actually have a belt to be buckled around the ankles. WHY? As she walked away i almost laughed out loud.
The day before she was wearing black leather pants with lacing up the sides. my God woman! You have a child! I know you're Russain and your people were stuck in the backwaters of 1970s Soviet fashion for a long time and that a pair of jeans must seem like a luxury item to you but let go of the Eurotrash ways! Your husband dresses with more sense than you. I find it morally rephrensible when a man is better dressed than his wife.
And what's stranger still is that she seems like a very uptight, serious woman. I don't know why she feels the need to show off a crazy, wilder side with leather pants but keep the sensible side intact by pairing it with a sweater. Why would such an uptight woman dress this way? It confuses me.
And, it's not like she can't dress or look decent. There's a photo of her hanging in the hallway looking quite nice and well dressed. It looks like a photo taken for a profile in a magazine. And her husband, my boss has photos of her and their son and I wasn't sure if they were the same woman because she looked so much nicer. Maybe not the clothes, I couldn't see them in the picture. Is this a recent fashion decision? I feel like I need to do a daily fug on her. Maybe I will keep you updated on her fashion stylings.
At least, that's the attitude my boss' wife seemed to take. She works in the office too. She runs the Arts Foundation. She wanted to know who had let him in and who had let him use the bathroom and then she told me that the bathroom down the hall (that's locked!) is for them. How was I supposed to know? And I didn't buzz him in. That was all her Russian girls. She wanted me to walk him down the hall and make sure he didn't get into any mischef during the fifteen steps down the hall. I sort of made a face because I thought she was being overly ridiculous and because I was stuck behind some boxes and it would be awkward to get out. She asked if I had a problem with this. No, of course not. Why would I have a problem babysitting a delivery clown while he goes to the bathroom? It's not like he's never been in an office building before.
The thing is, it's hard to take your boss seriously when she's wearing brown cordoroy pants with pockets and zippers placed at random, a brown sweater that cuts her off at her stomach and brown boots. She looked like a skinny potato. Today she has on green pants with brown cuffs that actually have a belt to be buckled around the ankles. WHY? As she walked away i almost laughed out loud.
The day before she was wearing black leather pants with lacing up the sides. my God woman! You have a child! I know you're Russain and your people were stuck in the backwaters of 1970s Soviet fashion for a long time and that a pair of jeans must seem like a luxury item to you but let go of the Eurotrash ways! Your husband dresses with more sense than you. I find it morally rephrensible when a man is better dressed than his wife.
And what's stranger still is that she seems like a very uptight, serious woman. I don't know why she feels the need to show off a crazy, wilder side with leather pants but keep the sensible side intact by pairing it with a sweater. Why would such an uptight woman dress this way? It confuses me.
And, it's not like she can't dress or look decent. There's a photo of her hanging in the hallway looking quite nice and well dressed. It looks like a photo taken for a profile in a magazine. And her husband, my boss has photos of her and their son and I wasn't sure if they were the same woman because she looked so much nicer. Maybe not the clothes, I couldn't see them in the picture. Is this a recent fashion decision? I feel like I need to do a daily fug on her. Maybe I will keep you updated on her fashion stylings.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The Long Search
After three weeks of looking for an apartment I'm still searching. And I'm getting a little depressed about it. Nothing's been terrible. Some things would have to be compromised but they were all do able. But nothing that made me want to jump right in. People have been okay but no one that I thought I could be close friends with. And it's making me a little depressed. How is it that I can't find anything? Where are all these people coming from? And it's making me question myself. Am I friendly seeming or do I look like a snob. I know I've been told I do come off as stand offish but only until people get to know me. I'm SHY, people! I'm really one of the least snobbish people I know. And one of the most easy going. I should get testamonials from friends to send along to potential roommates.
It's also making me question where I want to live. Do I want to live in a railroad style apartment in Bushwick? Do I want to pay a little more for a place in the East Village? Is Williamsburg enough of a community that I would feel at home, and are there normal, cool people there or just hipsters? After a lot of consideration I thik I'm going to look mainly in Brooklyn. I'd love to live in the Lower East Side or Greenwich Village but i think for now I'm best off in Brooklyn. Maybe if I had more money or more friends I could live in the LES or Queens or something but right now Williamsburg looks cool and fun and sort of friendly. I'm looking at two apartments tomorrow night and if either of them feel good I'm going to beg and plead my way in. I just am so worried about finding a place in time. Last night I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time because I was worrying over the schedule of finding a place, moving my stuff up to New York from Reston and everything else. It always seems so much more complicated when you're trying to fall asleep.
On a more exciting note, My friend Kiran (and maybe Mike ) are coming on Thursday, so even if I don't get one of the places I'll have a friend for the weekend. Chris and his boyfriend might be down too. And Aja just IM'd me to see if she and Sofia could crash this weekend. I told them that maybe next weekend would be better for me so I might have friends up for two weekends in a row! So much better than going to the Whitney alone like I did on Sunday! These thoughts make the day so much brighter. That and yoga in the a.m. I'm feeling so healthy today. I had such a high I couldn't write a word until after lunch when a hand ful of Jelly Bellys brought me back down to a normal state of nerves.
It's also making me question where I want to live. Do I want to live in a railroad style apartment in Bushwick? Do I want to pay a little more for a place in the East Village? Is Williamsburg enough of a community that I would feel at home, and are there normal, cool people there or just hipsters? After a lot of consideration I thik I'm going to look mainly in Brooklyn. I'd love to live in the Lower East Side or Greenwich Village but i think for now I'm best off in Brooklyn. Maybe if I had more money or more friends I could live in the LES or Queens or something but right now Williamsburg looks cool and fun and sort of friendly. I'm looking at two apartments tomorrow night and if either of them feel good I'm going to beg and plead my way in. I just am so worried about finding a place in time. Last night I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time because I was worrying over the schedule of finding a place, moving my stuff up to New York from Reston and everything else. It always seems so much more complicated when you're trying to fall asleep.
On a more exciting note, My friend Kiran (and maybe Mike ) are coming on Thursday, so even if I don't get one of the places I'll have a friend for the weekend. Chris and his boyfriend might be down too. And Aja just IM'd me to see if she and Sofia could crash this weekend. I told them that maybe next weekend would be better for me so I might have friends up for two weekends in a row! So much better than going to the Whitney alone like I did on Sunday! These thoughts make the day so much brighter. That and yoga in the a.m. I'm feeling so healthy today. I had such a high I couldn't write a word until after lunch when a hand ful of Jelly Bellys brought me back down to a normal state of nerves.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Weekend Update
Friday: After work I had to move all of my belongings from Flatbush, Brooklyn to Tudor City, Manhattan. I'm staying at my friend's studio while she's in Miami with the Super Bowl. She's the one who got me the job, and now she's letting me stay in her place. I can't believe it. I also can't believe how cute it is. Tudor City is just what its name implies. It is some old buildings built in the style of of English Tudor and comprising a block right by the Harbor on the very eastern side of the island. I can see Queens and the UN building in the hallway of the building. The studio is small, just a bathroom (with lovely porcelian fixtures) a kitchenette and a room. But it has a great view of the park right by the building and the Empire State building and until February 5 it's all mine. I've never lived alone before. Always with someone, mostly my family. I like it so much I might not be able to deal with a roommate.
Anyway, that is not the point of this entry. Let me get to that. I went out to Flatbush and got one of my bags to take to the apartment. I had two large bags and I knew I'd have to change trains and walk a couple of blocks to the building. I didn't want to create too much trouble for myself. I probably should have gotten a cab but that would cost about $30 and I don't have money to waste when I could just make more effort. Before I left I sat down to watch a few minutes of TV, to relax from the hour train ride from work to Brooklyn. As I flipped back and forth from The Daily Show to Vh1's The Fabulous Life of the Ridiculously Wealthy (maybe not the actual name.) during commercial breaks, it solidified a feeling I've been having since arriving here. I really like New York but sometimes I feel depressed because I don't have much money. I know a lot of people in this city don't but when I see things like the $32 million dollar penthouse Ivanka Trump is showing off, that her dad owns and which she hopes to own someday it makes me very jealous. (Not just for me, but I'm not Mother Theresa.) Then I watched the Daily Show and see Jon Stewart who is successful but down to earth and aware of these differences. I can't stand Ivanka Trump's heir apparent attitude.
That was what I was thinking about as I carried my heavy bag through the dreary streets of Flatbush and down onto the train.
Doing something like this, moving from place to place, job to job, worrying about money and what the next step will be is the reality of being a young person trying to make their dreams come true. It will give me something to ground myself someday when I'm looking back, thinking about where I've come from. Even though it's hard now I'd rather take this risks and come out on top than be given everything like Ivanka. I don't think I could get used to that sort of wealth or ever feel comfortable with it. When I came up from the subway to Grand Central and down 42nd St. towards the sweet studio that I could see myself living in someday, I felt as though this is a taste of what success will mean for me. Not huge, but enough to feel happy. And when the day is over and I don't have to carry my luggage around Manhattan I will view these hard days as some small memory.
Once I dropped off one bag I had to go back for the monster bag, the one with all of my clothes. I take an hour train ride and get about a block away from the house in Flatbush when I realize I've left the keys back in the apartment in Manhattan. Sandy, the man who's house I've been staying at had left for Boston that morning and everything was locked up. Dejected I walked back to the subway, went back to Manhattan and went to bed. It was 1 am by this point and the guy I was supposed to meet for a drink thought I had stood him up because along with my keys I left my cell phone. It was not the good kind of stress like the one above, but the kind that makes me feel stupid.
Saturday my mom and two of her friends came into the city and stayed in the W in Times Square. I got up and met them there. Times Square is such a busy tourist trap that winding my way through it I really felt like a New Yorker. It was good to see my mom again and her friends Darcy and Lil are good for her. Crazy women who like to laugh. They came with me to get my other bag in Flatbush and we ate Chinese on the train. They exclaimed over the house in Flatbush with all it nooks and crannies and the tiny adorable studio. We went to a stand up comedy club and loved it. I think I'm going to do more of that while I'm here. I met up with Sib, my new friend that I stood up on Friday and we went to a bar in Williamsburg. I had a good time dancing to old school hip hop and Prince. And then I got lost on the train in Queens. I got home around 5:30 am.
Sunday we went to the site of the World Trade Center memorial. Even though I sometimes think people get overly patriotic and nationalistic when they talk about 9/11 when I'm reminded of the actual horror of the events and see the pictures that documented the day and people's reactions it makes me cry. The nationalistic take on things slips away and I forget that it led to war and Iraq and President Bush and I remember that day.
After that we headed back to Times Square area to see an Off Broadway show called the Altar Boyz. At first I was hesitant. Musicals and anything spelled with a Z where it should be an S makes me want to gag. And stages that are dangerously close to the audience. But Altar Boyz was a pleasant surprise. It was a satire of Christian based pop boy bands and the silly hypocrisy of it. The five boys were great. They sang and danced better than any pop singer I've seen and subtly created their characters even while singing and dancing. We loved it. I think I'll do more of that while I'm here too. After that we got some Italian and then had the requisite Cosmos at a bar. They got a little drunker than I expected and after some embarassment I had to say goodnight. I love them but I can do without three drunk tourists in the city I'm still trying to break into. I'm glad they came though and had such a good time. I wish I knew the city better so I could show them more of it.
And that is the weekend update.
Anyway, that is not the point of this entry. Let me get to that. I went out to Flatbush and got one of my bags to take to the apartment. I had two large bags and I knew I'd have to change trains and walk a couple of blocks to the building. I didn't want to create too much trouble for myself. I probably should have gotten a cab but that would cost about $30 and I don't have money to waste when I could just make more effort. Before I left I sat down to watch a few minutes of TV, to relax from the hour train ride from work to Brooklyn. As I flipped back and forth from The Daily Show to Vh1's The Fabulous Life of the Ridiculously Wealthy (maybe not the actual name.) during commercial breaks, it solidified a feeling I've been having since arriving here. I really like New York but sometimes I feel depressed because I don't have much money. I know a lot of people in this city don't but when I see things like the $32 million dollar penthouse Ivanka Trump is showing off, that her dad owns and which she hopes to own someday it makes me very jealous. (Not just for me, but I'm not Mother Theresa.) Then I watched the Daily Show and see Jon Stewart who is successful but down to earth and aware of these differences. I can't stand Ivanka Trump's heir apparent attitude.
That was what I was thinking about as I carried my heavy bag through the dreary streets of Flatbush and down onto the train.
Doing something like this, moving from place to place, job to job, worrying about money and what the next step will be is the reality of being a young person trying to make their dreams come true. It will give me something to ground myself someday when I'm looking back, thinking about where I've come from. Even though it's hard now I'd rather take this risks and come out on top than be given everything like Ivanka. I don't think I could get used to that sort of wealth or ever feel comfortable with it. When I came up from the subway to Grand Central and down 42nd St. towards the sweet studio that I could see myself living in someday, I felt as though this is a taste of what success will mean for me. Not huge, but enough to feel happy. And when the day is over and I don't have to carry my luggage around Manhattan I will view these hard days as some small memory.
Once I dropped off one bag I had to go back for the monster bag, the one with all of my clothes. I take an hour train ride and get about a block away from the house in Flatbush when I realize I've left the keys back in the apartment in Manhattan. Sandy, the man who's house I've been staying at had left for Boston that morning and everything was locked up. Dejected I walked back to the subway, went back to Manhattan and went to bed. It was 1 am by this point and the guy I was supposed to meet for a drink thought I had stood him up because along with my keys I left my cell phone. It was not the good kind of stress like the one above, but the kind that makes me feel stupid.
Saturday my mom and two of her friends came into the city and stayed in the W in Times Square. I got up and met them there. Times Square is such a busy tourist trap that winding my way through it I really felt like a New Yorker. It was good to see my mom again and her friends Darcy and Lil are good for her. Crazy women who like to laugh. They came with me to get my other bag in Flatbush and we ate Chinese on the train. They exclaimed over the house in Flatbush with all it nooks and crannies and the tiny adorable studio. We went to a stand up comedy club and loved it. I think I'm going to do more of that while I'm here. I met up with Sib, my new friend that I stood up on Friday and we went to a bar in Williamsburg. I had a good time dancing to old school hip hop and Prince. And then I got lost on the train in Queens. I got home around 5:30 am.
Sunday we went to the site of the World Trade Center memorial. Even though I sometimes think people get overly patriotic and nationalistic when they talk about 9/11 when I'm reminded of the actual horror of the events and see the pictures that documented the day and people's reactions it makes me cry. The nationalistic take on things slips away and I forget that it led to war and Iraq and President Bush and I remember that day.
After that we headed back to Times Square area to see an Off Broadway show called the Altar Boyz. At first I was hesitant. Musicals and anything spelled with a Z where it should be an S makes me want to gag. And stages that are dangerously close to the audience. But Altar Boyz was a pleasant surprise. It was a satire of Christian based pop boy bands and the silly hypocrisy of it. The five boys were great. They sang and danced better than any pop singer I've seen and subtly created their characters even while singing and dancing. We loved it. I think I'll do more of that while I'm here too. After that we got some Italian and then had the requisite Cosmos at a bar. They got a little drunker than I expected and after some embarassment I had to say goodnight. I love them but I can do without three drunk tourists in the city I'm still trying to break into. I'm glad they came though and had such a good time. I wish I knew the city better so I could show them more of it.
And that is the weekend update.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Thursday Confession
It's National De-Lurking Day!! I've 'fessed up to my lurking on other blogs and now it's your turn. So if you've read my blog and not commented, or not commented for a while I'd like to hear from you.
And if you're my mom and need to be walked through how to leave a comment then give me a call, because I noticed that even after the first time I told you how to do it I haven't gotten anything. And I'm your daughter! Not cool, Mom. Not cool.
(I'll see you on Saturday.)
And if you're my mom and need to be walked through how to leave a comment then give me a call, because I noticed that even after the first time I told you how to do it I haven't gotten anything. And I'm your daughter! Not cool, Mom. Not cool.
(I'll see you on Saturday.)
Friday, January 05, 2007
Mannequins and New Jersey Diners
Yesterday I spent an hour calling all the different department stores in Miami (where our production team is headed in a couple of days.) trying to find mannequins that we could rent/buy for our wardrobe department. Part of me loves the challenge of something like this. I get to use my sleuthing skills and track down things, weasel it out of people and generally be my charming self to get my way. It's like playing a very fun character. Part of me hates having to sit through the computer controlled voice operators who speak so calmly and can't actually understand you.
"I heard Juniors department. Is this correct?" "No!" "I'm sorry. Please repeat the department you wish to be connected to."
It's so satisfying to get snippy with them until you realize it's not doing you any good and is probably only making it worse. Finally when I reach one live person I asked if I could speak to the visual merchandising department. Or, if it's a cheaper store 'for the person who's in charge of the mannequins.' And then, inevitably I get shunted to someone who doesn't know anything about it. Or I get told that 'We don't rent them out." 'Okay, well, do you someone who might?" "No." Thank you for your help." Bitch. I started calling costume stores and got the same response. Finally someone recommended some prop stores. At one of the prop stores they refered me to "Jerry." "Jerry" refered me to "Mike Dane" I googled Mike Dane + Miami and found only one number, a home number, which I then called. And called back this morning because the pager number given got no response from him. Apparently the only guy who can help me in Miami isn't into returning calls. Great.
I spent the majority of my day in a storage facility in New Jersey. Matt and I, another PA had to pack up various things to be shipped down to Miami and then sit around and wait for FedEx to pick them up. And when I say 'pack up various things' I mean an entire pallet and then use plastic packaging wrap to Saranwrap everything into a nice, unbudgable pile. Once we were finished with that we went to get lunch at the Tick Tock Diner and kill some time. We had four hours.
The diner was exactly what I expected a diner in New Jersey to be. Full of old, affluent Jewish people, business men that look like car dealers or toilet bowl salesmen and big beefy guys. I'm glad somethings live up to my expectations.
When lunch was finished we went back to the storage unit to move the pallet outside for the FedEx guys. That was when we realizd the pallet wouldn't fit out the door. We had a stack of fifteen Gatorade water coolers and had to wrench three out to squeeze it out the door. We just barely made it. Then we stood around for an hour until the truck arrived. After that we headed back into Manhattan. What a glamorous life, television is.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Ifs, Ands & Buts.
I'm torn constantly between my desire for quiet, tea and good books, nice walks and lovely food and my desire to get my voice heard. These days, as I make my way through New York, getting lost at every turn (Everytime I think I know my way to work I find I know nothing at all), I wonder what is better; a quiet life or a busy one? It's like my version of Hamlet's eternal question. To be or not to be. I wonder often, and these days oftener than not, whether my calling is to be a screenwriter and stay in New York, hoping to make it; hoping to get my work seen, much less made. Or I could, after soaking up the city for a while go back to school and teach English at a college somewhere where the $2 beer night at the local bar and the townhall players' new show are the biggest excitements. Both offer a different sort of satisfaction. Both offer a different sort of pleasure. One feels impossible and one feels like a cop out.
This might just be a question that seems important now. I might find that after a year of living in the city I love it too much to think about going back and have too many friends. Or I might find that as interesting it is I can't make a living doing anything I want to do and I can't get anywhere and leaving won't seem like a cop out since I tried and decided it wasn't for me.
So far I like elements of the city and I like strolling down the streets. But I haven't explored enough to know that I love it. And for me love is tied up in friends and so far I feel lonely.
On a more professional note, I made a little trip to the NFL headquarters yesterday. Strolling down Park Ave in my black winter coat and boots and stockings made me feel very adorably cityish. Not that that is very professional, but it was an errand and it was a glimpse at a lovely citylife. There is definitely more of that to follow, if I have anything to say about it.
For a real professional note: I've decided to look at finding writer's internships. I don't know if such a thing exists but I imagine that working for a show's writers would help me decide what I want to do and some clear paths. And it might help me with my writing.
This might just be a question that seems important now. I might find that after a year of living in the city I love it too much to think about going back and have too many friends. Or I might find that as interesting it is I can't make a living doing anything I want to do and I can't get anywhere and leaving won't seem like a cop out since I tried and decided it wasn't for me.
So far I like elements of the city and I like strolling down the streets. But I haven't explored enough to know that I love it. And for me love is tied up in friends and so far I feel lonely.
On a more professional note, I made a little trip to the NFL headquarters yesterday. Strolling down Park Ave in my black winter coat and boots and stockings made me feel very adorably cityish. Not that that is very professional, but it was an errand and it was a glimpse at a lovely citylife. There is definitely more of that to follow, if I have anything to say about it.
For a real professional note: I've decided to look at finding writer's internships. I don't know if such a thing exists but I imagine that working for a show's writers would help me decide what I want to do and some clear paths. And it might help me with my writing.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
New York, For Real
I'm here in my office-for-a-while on W 36th St. Looking out of my window I see other buildings and offices and people going about their days. To my right is a building with cars on the roof. Cars! On the roof! I like the looks of the buildings. Old, my style. It's near Broadway and it's very busy down here. I'm glad. I'd hate to come to New York only to be working in a dingy no where building.
I took the Subway in today and wasn't properly paying attention because I got off one train and onto another and I should have just stayed on it. Instead I ended up on the wrong side of the city. Taxi!
I was a couple of minutes late but nothing to sweat. Everyone seems very cool and relaxed. I don't exactly know what I'll be doing but I'm excited to be here. At last.
I miss my family though. I talked to them yesterday and almost cried. Well, I did cry, but just a little bit. I'll get over it soon I think. I hope.
There's not much I can say right now. I'm still a little overwhelmed and trying to catch my breath. I think I'm starting to fit in though. At Grand Central Station there were lots of tourists and I was quite annoyed with them as they were in my way. But, I also got lost on the subway. Oh well, you win some and lose some.
The bus ride from DC was long and rainy. It was fairly quiet until the girl sitting diagonally in front of me got motion sickness and started throwing up. An hour before we got into the city. I was immediately transported back to elementary school, and started wondering when the janitor would come around with that horrible sickly sweet disinfectant.
The place where I'm staying is in Flatbush, Brooklyn. It's funny, I exchanged one cluttered house that was driving me crazy for another cluttered house that I can't complain about because it's a free place to stay. I like Sandy, the guy who's house I'm staying at. His wife is in Boston with their daughter and grandson. I think this will be a nice place to stay for a little while. Speaking of that, I need to start looking.
I took the Subway in today and wasn't properly paying attention because I got off one train and onto another and I should have just stayed on it. Instead I ended up on the wrong side of the city. Taxi!
I was a couple of minutes late but nothing to sweat. Everyone seems very cool and relaxed. I don't exactly know what I'll be doing but I'm excited to be here. At last.
I miss my family though. I talked to them yesterday and almost cried. Well, I did cry, but just a little bit. I'll get over it soon I think. I hope.
There's not much I can say right now. I'm still a little overwhelmed and trying to catch my breath. I think I'm starting to fit in though. At Grand Central Station there were lots of tourists and I was quite annoyed with them as they were in my way. But, I also got lost on the subway. Oh well, you win some and lose some.
The bus ride from DC was long and rainy. It was fairly quiet until the girl sitting diagonally in front of me got motion sickness and started throwing up. An hour before we got into the city. I was immediately transported back to elementary school, and started wondering when the janitor would come around with that horrible sickly sweet disinfectant.
The place where I'm staying is in Flatbush, Brooklyn. It's funny, I exchanged one cluttered house that was driving me crazy for another cluttered house that I can't complain about because it's a free place to stay. I like Sandy, the guy who's house I'm staying at. His wife is in Boston with their daughter and grandson. I think this will be a nice place to stay for a little while. Speaking of that, I need to start looking.
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