I've been sort of pining away for some one. I hate that phrase too, by the way. I feel like a corsetted, soppy Victorian miss when it is used. I haven't been pining way. I've been moving on and enjoying everything a lot lately, but sometimes in a sneaky voice I hear, 'It'd be nice if we were still friends. If you could talk to him about his thoughts on Kerouac and your paper.' or something else equally undermining.
Even with the confusion of not knowing exactly why he forgot about my existence (I chalk it up to the fact that he wasn't ready to date after his last relationship, despite his objections to the contrary.) I don't really care anymore, not much anyway, and I think I've forgiven him, in my mind. And hanging out with some old high school friends, gossiping about things we've learned about our former classmates in the intervening years, helped too. I learned some stuff that I had sort of known already but not really acknowledged about him. I'd ignored it because it didn't fit into my picture of things. But now I was faced with it and decided that now I really didn't care about him. (just for the record, it's not something that hurt me, so Aja you don't have to plan any revenges.)
And of course, after deciding that, I go home, go to bed and have a lovely make up dream about him. The kind that makes you wake up and think for half a second before remembering it was just a dream, 'Wow. He likes me again!' Not the sex dream kind, but the sweet dream kind. Those are so much more devious.
That damn subconscious. It always knows where you're most vulnerable, even when you don't. And because you don't know it's there, silently biding its time, how are you supposed to supress the thoughts it can take advantage of? You can't know what it will and won't use.
Stupid Freud and other psychiatrists figuring these things out. Thanks a lot, subconscious!
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2 comments:
"I chalk it up to the fact that he wasn't ready to date after his last relationship."
Nope. He found someone he likes more and who will put out. Don't spend too much time trying to figure out the male psyche. It's usually all about getting laid to them.
Who says I don't? Besides, while I don't deny that that is a lot of what guys think about I don't like reducing them to just that one dimension. We don't like it when they say we're just sluts or prudes. It's not fair to do that to each other.
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