The End of an Era

I think I lost a friend today. My best friend of eight years and I have decided to seperate. We've practically been a lesbian couple in the last year or so. She accompanied me to IKEA, helped me put furniture together, found me jobs and counseled me through countless family issues. She's been the first person I've called when I got a job, quit a job, did something stupid, did something smart, broke up with a guy, slept with a guy, got in a fight or saw a new movie. She brought me flowers, little gifts, crossaints, made me tea, brought me sugar.
We dared each other to do ridiculous things in the name of entertainment, helped each other up when we fell, took revenge on stupid fat cows and hated the same people. For eight years she has been the most loyal friend I could imagine. She wanted to chase my ex boyfriend down the street when he pretended he didn't recognize me. I pulled her off stage when Jean Marie caused her to fall down. She cheered me up when my family and my life was falling to peices. I drove with her to Pittsburgh to meet and then end the love of her life. (Certainly not the last.) I have admired her sense of fashion, taste in music, daring and playfulness since I met her. She's the one who regaled us with stories of her European friends on French nude beaches and museum openings with famous people. She is the one responsible for my job at the Kennedy Center and subsequently my job with the Super Bowl. I owe her so much. Without her I would not be the person I am today. She opened my eyes to a world that I would not have known without her curiousity, aesthetic and kindness.
Despite our problems I always thought we'd be in for the long haul together. I imagined us sitting on a patio with our kids playing in the yard, laughing over a cup of tea about our crazy youth. Instead I think we've come to a parting in our paths. I'm moving up to New York soon and she will be coming up shortly after but New York is like a river. You never step in the same place twice. My New York experience will be different than hers, and that will only seperate us further over time if we don't share the journey.

I've been afraid of this parting for some time. I knew we were both contemplating a seperation after our disasterous trip in New York. Part of me is glad. I will finally get out from under her stylish shadow. She's been like a big sister to me and as much as I've envied her I feel like it's time to step out on my own. It's time to make friends with people not through her. All of our coolest friends have been met through her friendly advances. They're hers and I'm just lucky enough to tag along. I'm ready to quit that. I'm also ready to develop my own style without her help. She's usually right but sometimes I feel like I can't make a decision on my own without discussing it with her first. I don't feel like a complete person when I can't make up my own mind. I feel like a leech. I can start fresh in a new city with new possibilities.

But at the same time I can't believe I'm going to be losing that friend who knows me so well she can guess what my move will be and the person I know so well I can anticipate when she's going to tell that story about us on the train to Amsterdam. Or any other story. I can tell what she's thinking so often and know how she'll react to something so often that sometimes I stop myself from speaking because I don't want to hear her reaction. I know when she's feeling uncomfortable in a situation or when something reminds her of an unpleasant memory. It really is like an old marriage sometimes.

And sometimes I don't know what she's thinking at all. Sometimes when I'm being my most honest she surprises me with a reaction I had hoped we had moved past. That's when it gets me, when she's been offended by something I've said and I haven't even realized it because I thought we were on the same page. I think that's why we need this seperation. Because sometimes she can't see when she is being stubborn and hurtful, and when her pride is getting in the way. And because I don't stand up to her and say what I think. And because she gets hurt so easily by things I don't realize I've said or done. I can't take such prideful sensitivity any more. I'm tired of tiptoeing around. I'm tired of not saying what I think because it might hurt her or that we might disagree. I don't feel strong enough to withstand her reaction when I disagree.

I know this is one sided. I can't see both sides anymore. I'm tired of doubling back on myself to make sure she doesn't disagree with my thoughts. I'm too hurt by what she has said to me and by what this separation means. I'm ready though to explore what the world is like without her.

Maybe some where in the future we will come across each other and begin our friendship again. Start fresh. I'm not good at giving up both hope and a friend in the same night.