Now I Know Why We Need Cheerleaders

I used to get these panic attacks whenever I thought about my future. I'd get so scared that I wouldn't be able to accomplish all the things I wanted and that I would end up broke and homeless on the street, my teeth falling out and all my belongings in a garbage bag beside me. I'd have grown old without knowing how to grow up. I used to get this feeling when I had to do anything remotely related to paperwork, where mistakes would come back to haunt me, hanging over my head like storm clouds pouring down that rain that leaves you soaked to the bone, and would prevent me from getting a credit card, car, apartment or anything else I might need in this life. I once started crying in the DMV because they had skipped my number and I didn't know how to fix the problem. My mom was with me and she had to go up to them to correct their mistake. It hadn't occured to me that I could just do that.

And when I wasn't worrying about getting a job that would pay me a decent wage I was worrying about how to pay for the stuff I thought I needed, even before I bought it. I had a panic attack when I crunched the numbers trying to figure out if I could move out, if I could buy a car, if I could pay my credit cards off.

Things are going okay right now. I'm not freaking out, even though I know I'll be paying for grad school soon, and moving out of my mom's house for good. But I remember that feeling all too well, and the attitude I took about it, not wanting to think of all the downsides, wanting just to stay in that self contained coccoon of childhood a little longer. Others might be able to do it, but I wasn't ready. I admired the people who could get it together, work as hard as they had to in order to make the money, the grades or whatever it was that needed to be done. I think I'm starting to learn how it's done, but it hasn't been an easy task. Having someone like my sister starting to go through it and needing my help makes me realize I know more than I thought I did. It makes me realize that taking those little steps I insisted on taking on my own--the steps I knew I could handle, and the ones that scared me a little but I knew weren't going to destroy me, helped me build a foundation I could stand on.

Moving to New York, getting a real job- I was just bluffing my way through it all. I was terrified. I had to carry around a Kenyan coin in my pocket to rub when I got nervous. Not because it was a good luck charm in the traditional sense. But because it helped me remember that I had been across the world by myself at 19, and if that worked out well then what could New York give me that I couldn't handle?

There is this list of quotes tacked up on my cubicle wall that I used to look at when I got scared in my grad class. I look at them from time to time, taking little sips of courage from them. Here are two of my favorites:

Many of our fears are tissue-paper thin, and a single courageous step would
carry us clear through them. -Brendan Francis

There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them. -Andre
Gide

I read them when I think my fears are going to come crashing over me and I think about how far I've come and what I've done. It seems like nothing sometimes, and compared to Mozart, or this girl but compared to what I thought I would achieve at those moments when I was scared? They're huge. I also realize just how important it is to have a cheerleader there, someone who will listen to you spout these fears and won't give you solutions. Will be there when you need a hug because you failed miserably and will go up to the frightening DMV people to fix the little things that make it easier for you to tackle the bigger ones. I'm grateful that my mother was this kind of cheerleader and I'm looking forward to being one for my sister and any friend that will take me up on the offer.